Expectations—they’re all in your head
“I have a right to expect to be treated with basic respect” is what I heard them say. I wasn't going to argue. It wouldn’t do any good. But I am going to unpack that statement because it is a perfect example of how we set ourselves up for disappointment.
- I have a right: A right is a freedom, or an entitlement stating what a person is allowed or has the choice to do. So if I have a right, I have the choice or the freedom to…
- To expect: Literally means to think or believe that something will happen, or to wait for the arrival of someone or something. It is not a contract and it is internal to the person doing the thinking. An expectation may be based on outside information, but it is not guaranteed and it is subject to another party, and all the variables associated with time, chance, human behavior, and many other factors out of our control.
- To be treated: Behavior towards me by someone else. “To be” is the infinitive form, so it implies that the other person will always and consistently behave a certain way. I have no control over what another person thinks, feels or does.
- With basic respect: This is a vague phrase that means something different to anyone who uses it. It’s a shortcut that hides the true needs or the actual behavior you want. It puts the onus on the other person, not only to understand its parameters but to know how to carry it out. It’s nearly impossible to fix because we are only calling attention to the lack of it.
There’s an old saying that “An expectation is a planned resentment.” You could substitute “planned disappointment” just as well. I have my own definition for the purposes of dealing with unmet needs in a relationship.
Expectations are (often) unspoken, one-sided agreements that cannot be satisfied by another person.
Agreements are a better way for two or more people to clarify and commit to what they want and need from each other. Agreements are essentially a mutually beneficial contract that allows parties are willing to uphold. You might be thinking “what’s the difference?”
My favorite example is relatively simple but this works for tough situations just as well.
“Brandon, I expect you to do your homework when you get home from school.” Brandon gets home from school and flops down on the couch with a snack and texts his buddies. “Brandon you should be doing your homework.” “I know, mom, just give me a minute.” Five minutes later: “Brandon, why aren’t you doing your homework?” The expectation hasn’t changed. YOU expect (in your head) that he’s going to do it. It also hasn’t changed anything or produced a result, but remember the definition. You think something is going to happen and you are waiting for it. The expecting is working exactly as designed.
Now let’s see what an agreement would look like.
“Brandon, I want to work out an agreement with you.” “What is it, mom?”
“Right now, and every day when you get home from school, do your homework. All of it. When you are done, or if there’s nothing assigned, show me. After that, you can go out and hang with your friends or play games until dinner. Can we agree to that?”
“Mom, can’t I have a few minutes to wind down and have something to eat before I start?”
“That’s fair.” “Do we have an agreement?”
“Yeah. I agree.”
Next time Brandon flops down on the couch and doesn’t self-regulate into doing his homework, it’s easy to say “Brandon, we have an agreement that you do your homework after school. You’ve had time to settle in. Are you going to honor your part?” Now it’s up to Brandon to live up to his OWN values and commitments. If the agreement needs to be revised, you can have a discussion. If there’s an underlying issue you can dig a little deeper.
Living with an addict and living with an adolescent are both tough, but there are similarities in how we set ourselves up to be disappointed. If you tell an addict "I expect you to…" (come home by midnight, not drive drunk, stop using, go to outpatient group, whatever) there is a 50% chance your loved one will not do it or not do it on your terms. We make the same mistake with boundaries. "If you come home stoned, you have to go to treatment. OR, any variant of, if you do X, then you have to do Y. That's not a boundary. It's an expectation dressed up as an ultimatum. The addict has the freedom to NOT do what you expect. “No. I’m not going to rehab. I’ll live in my car.”
On the other hand, alcoholics make agreements all the time. “I’ll buy the next 12-pack if you go to the store and get it.” You might try something simple like, “Can we agree that if you can’t make it home by midnight, you’ll spend the night somewhere else? I need to sleep before I go to work in the morning.”
Boundaries have to be 100% about what I will do and what I won’t.
“If you come home loaded again, I will stop paying for your phone, you will be asked to move out and I will change the locks. I will not allow you to live here and get loaded. Do you understand?” Now the addict can make a choice.
“I will not let you stay here more than one week. Here are some phone numbers you can call. If you don’t find an open bed for treatment within one week, I will ask you to leave and I will change the locks. Do we have an understanding?”
This is hard. It is okay to feel like shit after making the right decision. Living on the street is harder. Let your loved one decide what they are willing to risk to stay in their disease. If they choose the disease, that’s on them.
Does this resonate for you? Have you had something similar happen to you? Let me know.