No Is A Complete Sentence

Everybody has a lot going on right now.

The difference for people like us is that much of what we're managing is someone else's life to live. I can't meet you Thursday — I have to take John to his DUI class. My sister called; her son is going back to the hospital. I'd love to but I have to be available in case something happens.

What if you put the things you want to do — for yourself — in your calendar first?

Here's an exchange from real life:

"I'm out of weed, can you take me to the dispensary?"

"No."

"But if I said that they'd go berserk."

Gee, that's too bad. That's not your emergency to manage.

You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to soften it with a long story about why you're busy. You have the right to say no. No is a complete sentence.

Here's what actually happens when you start putting your own life at the top of your to-do list: your calendar fills with things you want to do. You reclaim power over your own time. You stop building your life around their emergencies — real and manufactured. You model something better for the people around you.

A friend once said: "Bad things were happening to me faster than I could lower my standards." If that hit close to home, you might be ready to stop lowering them.

Allowing someone to take responsibility for their own life is not mean. What's mean is blocking them from learning how to do it for themselves.

Dave H. has been in recovery since 1995 and in Al-Anon since 2011. His book, The Practice of Imperfection: Finding and Keeping Serenity, is for family members who are tired of losing their peace to someone else's disease.