The To-Be List and the Ta-Da List

Before I came to Al-Anon, I believed it was the place where "wives" went to complain about their alcoholic husbands and pick up pamphlets for battered women's shelters. I was certain they supported 12-step recovery but from a safe distance, and with a critical eye. It's a common misconception that all, or most, Al-Anon members are so consumed by their loved one's addiction that they do nothing but worry and wait on their alcoholic or addict all day and night. The media hasn't done us any favors either.

The family member doesn't necessarily define themself through the addict's story. I think they define themselves by how much they "do for others." In other words, they still identify with their work, their interests, their roles (parent, grandparent, artist, accountant, whatever). What I see is people feeling under-appreciated, overburdened, not fulfilling their potential, held back by others, or others' perceptions of them. So the work of recovery is really about taking ownership of not just your identity but also your accomplishments. These are just a few differences between what people imagine about us and what life in Al-Anon looks like. But that is only part of the story!

I shared in a meeting once, that I was all too aware of all my DOING. I thought if I just did more, did it better, made their lives easier, things would be better. It just made me busier. One day I stopped making a to-do-list (that's what my calendar is for) and I made a To-Be list on my whiteboard. I wrote two sentences. 1. Seek quiet, 2. Be like water. These two things are still the only two things on that dry erase board. My life has changed in so many ways since I made a signpost for what I want to be instead of what someone else expects me to do.I have been a human doing. 

Now I am a human being. Being who I want to be, the way I want to be.
And I hope, being what my Higher Power has made me to be.

I sure have a long way to go but I'm actually pretty happy. I'm not the only one.

The next share at that meeting was a woman who said she liked the idea of the to-be list. She had been going through a similar cycle of overthinking, over-scheduling, overacting and underachieving. She and her sponsor started a new habit of waiting until the end of the day and then making a list and sharing it with each other to acknowledge the days successes, whether it was getting something done, not losing her patience, saying no if she meant no, or letting someone have their opinion. They called it a Ta-Da List and they decided it was okay to add anything that they accomplished that day; whether small large. If you think about it, any task can be carried over to another day, but why not celebrate everything you actually get done; especially what you do for yourself? After all, this is what we are trying to focus on in our program.

Reframing my story is seeing the journey for what it is. RECOVERY of true self, and roadmapping a better life one day at a time. I also think it has to do with reframing the struggle and sacrifice we've experienced in terms of our resilience, experimenting with control and learning it's an illusion and being able to share that reality with others.