Trying To Get The Perfect Snapshot

We keep a mental photo gallery of the worst moments.

Here's the snapshot of when the cops came to the house. Here's the one from the intervention. Here's the one where he passed out at the football game. We've curated these images so carefully that we can pull them up on demand — proof that things are as bad as we say they are, evidence for the story we've been telling for years.

We also keep future snapshots. The one where they finally get sober. The one where they apologize for everything. The one where the family is back together the way it used to be — that blurry one we keep trying to focus, the one that never quite comes out right.

We're so busy looking at snapshots that we're missing the live stream called our own life, already in progress.

Here's what I learned, slowly and not without resistance: past information is no longer true. Each moment is new. Old patterns don't dictate present behavior, and they don't have to dictate present interpretation either. The first rule of serenity is to let them be who they are today — not who they were last week, not who they were at their worst, not who you need them to be in your best-case-scenario future snapshot.

The stories you've been telling yourself about what their behavior means are just that — stories. Most of them are based on outdated information, filtered through your own fear.

What I know now is that I only need to accept what is actually happening. Not the reasons. Not the patterns. Not the five signs that someone is a sociopath. Just what happened, with no interpretation. What I saw or heard, with no mind-reading. The verifiable fact, with no assumptions.

The redirect that works for me: "I don't know why they did that, and I don't need to know. The observable fact is enough for me to respond. Their motivation is their business, not mine. Meanwhile, in my own life…"

Your life is the live stream. It's on right now. Don't miss it.

Dave H. has been in recovery since 1995 and in Al-Anon since 2011. His book, The Practice of Imperfection: Finding and Keeping Serenity, is for family members who are tired of losing their peace to someone else's disease.